Betty Hay
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Celebrating the life of this wonderful woman is not easy as she had a long and full life. There are so many stories and anecdotes I could relate so this can only give you a flavour of my Mum.
Betty Mary Whibley was born in a nursing home in South London on 2 August 1926 weighing over 9lbs, the youngest daughter of Lillian and Leonard Whibley. My Nan had been expecting twins, but Mum`s twin had not survived at birth. Mum`s baptism took place the following month, September 1926. Mum was confirmed on 22 March 1950 in Tulse Hill and had her First Communion on 2 April 1950.
Mum had one brother, Burnell, and two sisters, Joan and Barbara. The Whibley family have always been a close family and Mum was particularly close to her sister, Barbara, in those early years as there was only two years age difference. How they loved to play with their dolls and dolls house. Indeed, we even bought Mum a dolls house in her adult life and she had enjoyed furnishing it.
Mum`s Dad, Mum and sister Joan passed away at the ages of 78 and 79, but sister Barb passed away at the early age of 46 and brother Burn was only 62. [Dad died in 1967 aged 78, sister Barb in 1970 aged 46, her mother in 1971 aged 79, brother Burn in 1984 aged 62, and sister Joan in 1998 aged 78.] Mum is the last of that generation and how blessed we are to have had her with us for so long considering all the health issues she had over the years. Mum passed away two days before reaching 83, which is truly remarkable.
I have compiled this eulogy not only from personal memories and those of others, but also from Mum. A few years ago I asked Mum to make me a cassette detailing events in her life so that we had a keepsake of her full life. I have enjoyed replaying this cassette and hearing her voice again. I remember giving her the cassette player and instructions on how to record herself. She did have fun and many laughs making the cassette and she had obviously made notes beforehand as quite often she lost track of where she was and kept apologising for losing her place! She had also used an old cassette tape to record over and so every so often Mum`s voice will be interrupted by Jim Reeves singing!
Mum had a very happy childhood and during the War she was evacuated with her friend Edna to the Knight family in Bessalls Green, Kent, and although she was shown great kindness and it was a lovely house, at the age of 14 Mum was desperate to get back to her family as she loved her home in Herne Hill, South London. She had only been home three weeks when bombing in London began. Her father was the Chief Fire Warden and he had built an underground shelter in the garden. One night a bomb exploded right outside their house and so they had to make their way to the Salvation Army hostel in Loughborough Junction, bombs still falling all around them. The family were then to spend time with Grandad`s brother and his wife, Auntie Rose and Uncle Les, until Grandad found them a house in Cheam.
The Goatman family had lived next door in Herne Hill and Eddie Goatman was the boy next door. He was great friends with Mum and her sister Barb. Eddie, now 87, remains Mum`s longest friend. Eddie and his wife Phyl have remained in contact over the years and we are pleased that their son, Kevin, has been able to bring them today.
My cousin Jill took Mum to visit Eddie and Phyl three weeks ago and they had a wonderful day reminiscing and the day was full of laughter. The photograph Jill took of them on that day shows what a good time that was and Mum looks really well. We are thankful that they were able to share that precious time together.
During the years in Cheam, sister Joan married Dixie and brother Burn married Eileen. At the age of 15 Mum was desperate to go to work. She loved playing shops and would use vegetables from the garden in her pretend shop and my Nan would be the customer. Although Nan did not want Mum to go to work as the war was still on, Mum was persistent and Nan did give in. Mum`s first job was at the Home and Colonial store in Sutton giving change to customers from a kiosk. Mum was so small she could hardly get on to the chair and her overall was far too long and touched the ground. Mum only lasted there about three weeks before joining Boots, the chemist, where she was very happy and made lots of friends – she remained there for two or three years as the war continued. Nan then suggested that Mum join the Civil Service as it was a steady job and other members of the family had joined. Mum applied and was accepted and stayed there for about three years. Whilst there, Mum and her friend decided to go for an x-ray which was being offered as that would get them a day off work. Later the friend received a letter saying her x-ray was OK but Mum was recalled. She was not worried about that as she was feeling well and many x-rays were not clear in those days and had to be retaken. Mum`s sister Barb had TB at the time, but even this did not worry Mum as Barb had always been frail. When Mum went back a second time in January 1945 she was shocked to hear she had respiratory TB on both lungs – she was 19. Mum had to wait one year to get into a sanatorium at Bournemouth and she went there with Barb. Mum stayed there for six months and here is just one recollection of that time. Whilst at the sanatorium Mum struck up a friendship with Bernard Harris. Service men were located on the lower floor of the building and although there wasn`t supposed to be any fraternising between the sexes, Mum used to lean out of the upper window to speak to them. She would darn Bernard`s socks and pass them back to him on a piece of string out of the window.
Although she was sent home after six months Mum continued to have x-rays to monitor her condition and unfortunately her condition worstened. The family had now moved to requisitioned property at Tulse Hill.
Mum met great friends Olive and Brenda during the second time in the sanatorium as they were friends with Barb. Mum always felt she would never have better friends ever again. Mum had to stay in bed for a year at this time and was unable to work for five years following these spells in the sanatorium. Mum was only allowed to work part-time after this period and she joined Hay`s Laundry in Camberwell and then moved to the Children`s Society in Streatham, where the family then lived. Sister Barb married Bill at this time and Mum was their bridesmaid. When she was given permission to work full-time she moved to a stationer`s company at Victoria where she was learning to be a ledger clerk.
Her friend, Brenda, had met and married John Dale during this time, another TB sufferer. Mum`s friendship with Brenda and John has remained very close over the years. We are pleased that Mum was able to visit them over the last year and she enjoyed seeing their son, Martin, in his amateur dramatic productions. Brenda and Mum were very close and I know Brenda feels a part of her is now missing. Brenda, John and their sons, Colin and Martin, are with us today and Colin will read a tribute on behalf of the Dale family:
Sometime in the years between 1945 and 1950 there were four girls in a sanatorium in Bournemouth being treated for TB – Barb, Bette, Olive and Brenda. There were two beds to a room, and when one bed came free in Bette’s room she was advised by Barb and Olive to ask for Brenda as a companion. They said “she’s very quiet, doesn’t swear and doesn’t talk about other people” Bette’s reply was very short, “No thanks I don’t want to share my room with a Saint”
Nevertheless Brenda moved in, and little did they know that this would be the beginning of a friendship that would last over 60 years. Later it was proved that neither of them were in fact Saints because of the many laughs and escapades that the pair of them got up to.
Brenda recollects that it was because of Bette and Barb that her time at the sanatorium was such a happy one and she remembers fondly the many laughs they shared:
· They were once asked to read a radio play, and they couldn’t do it for giggling, but after many attempts finally pulled it off.
· On an outing to Sandbanks using the chain ferry, they nipped off to spend a penny and got left behind, only for the Ward Sister to come out and rescue them, by which time they had managed to find their own way back to the ferry - and so the Sister was the one left behind!
After Bournemouth they kept in touch and had many years of regular Saturday night dances. Their friendship deepened and they also went on many holidays which included their wider families and friends, and so Joan and Dix, and some of Brenda’s husband’s family also became part of the happy Group.
Despite all the odds Bette and Brenda have both had long and happy lives sprinkled with a few ups and downs along the way.
On this sad day as we say goodbye to Bette, Brenda gives her heartfelt thanks for the joys of having a true friend.
Mum missed out on a lot of things in her life due to the TB and the years spent away in sanatoriums. Those were the days when treatment involved sitting out in the snow in the winter and treatment we would not consider these days.
Mum, Nan and Grandad had now moved into a brand new flat in Streatham, South London and this is where we were to remain until we moved to Epsom. Mum met my father at this time at the Orchid Ballroom, Purley, where she loved dancing. Unfortunately, this relationship was not to last. I was born in 1958 weighing 6lbs 6ozs at King`s College Hospital, Camberwell. Mum had decided to call me Kim whether I was a boy or a girl! Mum was to bring me up on her own, however the close family unit came into its own and Mum was so grateful, in particular, to her sister Barb and her husband Bill for the support they gave. Mum always put me first in her life and worked so hard to ensure I did not miss out on anything. I have wonderful childhood memories and have been blessed to have had such a supportive, selfless and hard working Mum. Rightly or wrongly, she always put me first.
The family get togethers we had each Christmas at brother Burn`s house were always fun times and many family holidays were taken. It wasn`t often that the family were apart and it was a well known fact that if brother in law, Bill, wanted to buy a new hat then the whole family went with him!
Bill`s son, Peter, my cousin is currently in New York and has asked me to read this on his behalf:
First, I want to express my deepest condolences to Kim, Charlie, James and Adam for the loss of Bette. I share the sadness felt by them, the family and the many friends of Bette and offer them all my best wishes. However, this service of thanksgiving is also an appropriate and important way to celebrate her life.
Bette was not only a remarkable woman who had a long and fulfilling life; she was also a beloved aunt to me. She was ever-present in my life from the beginning, after my mother, her sister Barb, and my father, Bill, adopted me at birth, and was much loved by all of us. After my mother passed away when I was still very young, Bette played a prominent role in my life and was someone who I could always turn to for love and support. During these years, Bette, Kim, my father and I spent a great deal of time together, including many weekend trips, holidays and more, which were the happiest memories of my childhood. At this time, Bette’s presence in my life was a constant and crucial pillar of support, and I know that my father was also deeply grateful for the generosity and love that she continually offered to both of us.
The close bonds that Bette had with her family were qualities that I greatly respected her for. She was a devoted mother to Kim, mother-in-law to Charlie and grandmother to James and Adam, and loved her family deeply and selflessly. In addition, I knew that she would always be there for me in good times and bad and, after my father passed away twenty years ago, Bette continued to offer her love and understanding as the pre-eminent family member in my life. For this and much more, I am deeply grateful to her.
In recent years when I lived overseas for an extended period, much of my contact with Bette was via the telephone. It was always heartwarming to talk to her from thousands of miles away and hear her familiar voice, one that represented the bonds of family and still offered me love and understanding. Despite being far away, talking to her reminded me that what was most important was where I came from.
Although in later years, Bette suffered discomfort from several health issues, she continued to be as active as possible, despite her difficulties. In the last year, particularly, I am thankful that I was able to spend more time with her. On my visits, we always talked a great deal about family, which was very comforting to me. When I listened to her stories and recollections, she was always able to remind me of the important and enduring nature of familial bonds.
While Bette is irreplaceable in my life, and her passing is the end of a generational era in our family, the memories and love she gave all of her family and friends will live on, ensuring her the lasting remembrance and peace she deserves.
Thank you for everything, Bette. Rest in peace. Love from your nephew, Peter.
Unhappy in her job with the CSMA in Thornton Heath, Mum moved to the Gas Board in Croydon. During this time Mum met Alan Hazeldean and they were to have a great friendship for over 10 years.
Mum joined Peter Jones, part of the John Lewis partnership, based in Sloane Square in spring 1973 as a department clerk in China and Glass, having worked temporarily in Bon Marche in Brixton some 10 years earlier. Mum`s sister, Joan, was also working in the millinery department at Peter Jones at that time. Mum met her dear friends Doris Rolt and Pearl Whitter in the China and Glass Department. It was a great sadness to Mum that Doris died a few weeks ago.
Missing her typing, Mum transferred to the Interior Decorator`s Department as a receptionist in August 1973, subsequently moving on to the Contracts Department. She received many excellent references and it was reported in the retirement chronicle that her pleasant manner and approach helped the department to establish a good rapport with both clients and their representatives. I remember that Mum had continued with early morning work in the China and Glass Department in addition to her other job at Peter Jones. She really was a hard worker and must have been very tired at the end of the week. Mum retired from the Contracts Department of Peter Jones on 29 January 1988 having completed 14 years` service. Mum decided to take retirement following illness in December 1987.
Mum loved working for the partnership and used to call it “my shop”. I would like to take this opportunity of thanking the John Lewis Partnership for their support to Mum over the years. Not only did they look after their staff, or `partners` as they are called, at work but also in retirement. Mum used to receive regular visits from the Partnership Area Visitor and Area Retirement Officer, which she valued greatly. They have also been very supportive to me over the last 10 days, which I have truly appreciated.
Mum`s years at Peter Jones were probably some of the happiest years she had working. Stories of working with Bill Payne, Pat, Brenda, Peter, Andrew, Sylvia, Sue and Gill were certainly full of fun and laughs. Yes, Peter, she still told the story of `chewing a toffee`! How she looked forward to receiving those cheeky birthday cards from you. She was so happy to keep in contact with these colleagues and looked forward to the get togethers to recount those happy times.
Prior to retirement, Mum was not very well in October 1987. She had not recovered well from a bout of flu and the doctor sent her for some tests. By the time Mum went back for those test results she had returned to full time work and was seemingly well again. However, Mum was to receive the devastating news that she had total kidney failure and she was to be referred to a consultant as a matter of urgency. This was, of course, shocking news for Mum and all the family, however Mum maintained her usual calm approach. As her general health was good and she was very capable, Mum was given a fairly new system of home dialysis called CAPD and put on the waiting list for a donor kidney. Following an operation, Mum was able to perform this dialysis on her own at home regularly every day, which enabled her to maintain as near a normal life as possible. Again, she took all this in her stride. We all know about donor organ waiting lists and expected to wait years, if ever, for a suitable donor kidney to become available. How lucky Mum was to receive the news on 16 December 1987 [only six weeks later] that they had a donor kidney. Mum rang us at 6 am. on that morning to tell us she had received a call from Dulwich Hospital`s Renal Unit saying a kidney had been found for her. In true Mum style she had packed a case, called a taxi and was off to the hospital on her own! When I rang the hospital later that morning to see how the tests were going to check that the kidney was the right match, I was informed that she had already had the operation and was back on the ward. When I visited later that day I was amazed to see how well she was looking and how instantly effective the transplant had been – she had colour again in her cheeks which we had not seen for a long time. There were no complications and Mum was home in two days – they called her `superwoman` on the ward. Mum came to our home to recover. What a Christmas present that was in 1987 and due to the anonymity of organ donations we have never been able to thank the family of the donor and let them know how it changed my Mum`s life. Mum had the kidney for 22 years which is amazing, even these days.
Mum has had an extraordinary number of pills to take on a daily basis, but this did not phase her and she always knew which pill did what and when they needed to be taken – no mean feat.
Mum was under the care of the Renal Unit team at Dulwich Hospital for many years before they moved to St George`s Hospital, Tooting. As Mum had so much faith in the team, she transferred with them when they moved. Michael Bewick, the top kidney transplant surgeon at the time was Mum`s surgeon in 1987 and his wife, Sue Snowden, was Mum`s renal consultant until last year when she retired. Mum had check ups at St George`s every six weeks and the nurses of the transplant clinic have always shown Mum great kindness and care over the years, in particular Janet Humphries and Katie Reid who were experts in finding blood when others could not! Their cheerfulness and friendliness was always appreciated by Mum.
I know Mum was so pleased to welcome Charlie into our family when we married in 1982 and it was always a comfort for her to know I had him to support me. They had a great relationship and she was always grateful for everything Charlie did for her. Nothing could have made her more proud than the arrival of her first grandson, James, in 1984 then Adam in 1987. The boys remember with great affection how much time she devoted to them when they were younger, the games they would play and the cooking sessions they had. James affectionately called Mum `Doris` later in life, which amused her.
Charlie and I had moved to Epsom when we married and in 1992 we were able to buy a flat for Mum in Alexandra Road, Epsom, so that she could be nearer us and her beloved grandsons. Mum was fit and healthy then and often walked into town or up to us on the Downs. She enjoyed playing tennis with James and Adam in Alexandra Park and used to attend the Womens` League of Health & Beauty keep fit classes in Banstead and always tried to be active.
Mum had a stroke at home on 17 September 1997 and was admitted to Epsom Hospital. Although she recovered very well from the stroke, unfortunately she broke her hip when she collapsed. This was not picked up initially and her situation worstened with her health failing. After six weeks at Epsom she was transferred to St George`s hospital on 9 November 1997 where they operated the next day to ensure she could walk again. As the fracture was so bad by this time, the surgeons did the best they could but it left her with the loss of one and a half inches on her left leg – Mum was to wear a raised shoe for some years. Wonderwoman struck again and Mum was home on 17 November 1997. She had a second operation on 9 July 1999 as she was experiencing pain in the hip. Still with constant pain and decreased mobility, Mum took the decision to have a hip replacement four years ago, which was a success – less pain, better mobility and the surgeons were able to reconstruct the original length of her leg so that she was able to wear a normal pair of shoes again. Any operation Mum had carried a high risk due to her medical conditions and this was a brave decision on her part, yet she came through with flying colours again.
Mum has found the last year rather difficult not only from a health point of view but also with the loss of dear friends and family members. A fall at home in January this year put her back and she had become more frail with a loss of confidence. However, Mum was still attending the Longmead Day Centre and using Route Call to get to the shops in Epsom once a week. She remained in her flat and was still coping really well on her own. Mum always tried to be as independent as she could and did not want to worry others. Even earlier this year she booked up a holiday to Bournemouth and enjoyed a few days away at the coast on her own, despite poor mobility. She had been diagnosed with osteoporosis several years ago and this, too, was becoming more of a problem.
Apart from her cleaner who visited once a week, Mum had been receiving some extra help in the home since her fall in January. The initial background report states `Betty is a very independent lady and wishes to do as much for herself as she is able.` This was certainly true and after a few weeks Mum felt she could cope without the evening visit. Even when the morning carer arrived they would find Mum up, dressed and having had breakfast. It has been interesting to read the care record which was completed each day by the carers following their visits. They show Mum was happy and in good spirits and was chatty with the carers. The records confirm that Mum was her usual self the day before the final stroke.
We are thankful that as James, Charlie and I were overseas when Mum suffered a major stroke on Thursday 30 July, Adam was home from Thailand and on call to go to Mum`s assistance at her flat. He stayed with his Gran at hospital all day holding her hand and talking to her. I know he was a great comfort to her. Our thanks go to cousin Jill and John as well who were with Mum during the night and when she passed away in the early hours of Friday 31 July. We are all thankful that her passing was very peaceful.
Mum took strength from her faith over the years and she became a member of this church on 1 April 2001. She has always appreciated the kindness shown to her at church and the fellowship here. Mum had a Bible and many prayer books close by at home and amongst her treasured items I found her sister Barbara`s 1938 prayer book and her own New Testament which was presented to her on her 12th birthday to commemorate 400 years of the Bible being printed in English, also from 1938 when they lived in Herne Hill. She also has the Common Prayer Book of Hymns which Barb and Bill gave her on 20 August 1949 when Mum was their bridesmaid. Mum went to Austria many years ago to see the passion play performed in Oberammergau every 10 years. Mum had been a volunteer at the Dovecote Bookshop and Coffee Shop in Epsom, which she enjoyed.
What else can I tell you about Mum – she loved singing and dancing, she used to be a very good seamstress, embroiderer and knitter. Apart from knitting items for herself, I also proudly wore some wonderfully complicated knits. However, the most wonderful items were those she knitted for James and Adam - I particularly remember the `Thomas the Tank Engine` cardigans, which were admired wherever we went. She loved liquorice allsorts and walnut whips and would never say no to a cup of tea and a biscuit, which helped the tea go down. She was also a great one for making lists.
Mum always took a pride in her appearance, was very smart and certainly never looked her age. However, we stopped counting how many times she took things back to Marks and Spencers!
Dancing was always a passion in her life and she loved to sing. Barb`s husband, Bill, had been in a concert party in India during the war and on his return to England he continued with these shows. Mum was a regular member of the shows and was in her element singing and dancing! She had always longed to be on the stage. Music ran in the family with sisters Barb and Joan playing the piano and singing and brother Burn a professional musician and orchestrator. Singing and dancing were the two things she regretted she could no longer do as well as she would like following illness later in life. She liked the singer Johnny Matthis and her favourite of all, Nat King Cole. She often felt much younger in spirit than others of her age group as she loved performers and music from modern times not always associated with older age groups.
Mum was always a hoarder and her flat certainly did not reflect a minimalistic style! I love Charlie`s term for the way she kept items – a romantic hoarder! These were not random items kept in a hap-hazard way, but treasured memories. Mum had kept everything very carefully in an ordered fashion and with great love and affection. She had kept every card James, Adam and Charlie and I had ever sent her, as well as folders of cards from landmark birthdays and events. I was particularly touched to find birthday cards given to Mum on the occasion of her 21st birthday. I can assure you that if you ever sent Mum a card there was at least one card from you in her collection.
Mum was very organised with regard to her large collection of photographs as she would write on the back of them exactly who was who and when the photograph was taken. I spent a lovely day looking through all her photographs and letters at her flat last week and really felt her presence near me. She was always a very attractive lady and she had many suitors in her youth – I am sure many a young heart was broken. I hope you will get a chance to see a selection of photographs which I have put in Unity Hall today.
As well as every letter my father sent to Mum, she also had the letters I sent home from my week`s primary school visit to Cornwall in March 1969. This would have been my first visit away from home and I had received letters from Mum, Nan and Auntie Barb every day I was away – they used to send me comics, stamps and small items of clothing.
We were always able to have open and frank discussions regarding plans for this day when it happened and so it has been relatively easy for us to make preparations and know her wishes. We have mentioned how she kept her treasures in an orderly manner – the same applied to her paperwork. All administration duties have been made so easy as Mum had everything filed and labelled accurately. She had even left me a map attached to her Will to show how to get to the solicitors in Westminster - `x` marked the spot! In addition, she left notes on the music she wanted me to play and even left the cassettes with the music on!
We have asked for donations in Mum`s memory rather than flowers and these will go to the St George`s Kidney Patients` Association who organise social events, raise funds and take part in discussions with the NHS on future plans for kidney patients. They have recently bought a £20,000 machine which can reduce or eliminate patients` anti-bodies in order to allow a transplant to proceed. Another machine was purchased to enable live donors to have keyhole surgery which means they only need to stay in hospital for three days now instead of 10. They have also taken over the contract for ward televisions so that this service is now free for all kidney patients and a new renal unit building is planned for 2012. As you can see, they really do support kidney patients in a practical way and from our experience are a worthy cause.
Mum`s ashes will be scattered in our garden at home and we will be planting a yellow rose in her memory. Yellow has also been the colour for today as we shared a love of that colour.
We have been overwhelmed by the cards, flowers and messages of sympathy received. We are surrounded by wonderful family and friends and are thankful for their support at this time. The common theme that has come through the messages since Mum`s passing is what a lovely lady she was and so many people have fond memories of her. Mum was much loved by everyone who knew her and her unexpected passing has been a shock to a lot of people.
I would like to conclude by using the words from a Mother`s Day card I once sent Mum and which I found amongst her treasures. The words sum up how I feel about this very special lady:
You are amazing Mum – your example has given me footsteps to follow, and your love has given me wings to fly which is why your spirit will always be a part of me wherever I go in life. You are the best and I love you.
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