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A Latter Day Biblical Story:
In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and said: “Noah, once again, the earth has become wicked, greedy and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me.
“Build me another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.” He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark. “Noah!” he roared, “I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”
“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and have been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the requirement for a sprinkler system?
On top of all that my neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is only a temporary structure.
We then had to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
The Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's transportation to the sea and even though I told them that the sea would be coming to us, they would hear nothing of it.
Then getting the wood was another problem. All the decent stuff has Tree Preservation Orders on them and to add to that, we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest which was set up to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but guess what, no go?
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me as they insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in such a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they had conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team and the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only ‘accredited’ workers with Ark-building experience and to make matters worse The Customs and Excise then seized all my assets, claiming that I was planning to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark.”
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow etched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you're not going to destroy the world?”
“Oh no,” said the Lord. “It looks like the British government have beaten me to it!”
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