Geoffrey Dunstan's page

t's amazing what the telephone can provide these days. I'm informed that by telephoning a church, you can now get God direct. Here's what it has to offer:

“Thank you for calling the Almighty. If you have a touch-tone telephone, please press the star button now.

- Thank you.

Now: press 1 for requests;

press 2 for thanksgivings;

press 3 for complaints;

press 4 for all other enquiries.

— I am sorry, but at present all our angels are busy helping other sinners. However, your prayers are important to us and you will be answered in the order they are received. So please stay on line. You are number 29 in the queue.

If you would like to address the Almighty himself, press l;

for Jesus Christ, press 2;

for the Holy Spirit, press 3;

if, however, you would like to hear King David sing a psalm, press 4;

and to find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, press 5, and when requested, enter his/her National Insurance Number. Then press the hash key.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth or where Noah's Ark is placed, please wait until you arrive here.

You may also hear one of the following announcements:

*Our computers show that you have already prayed once today, so please hang up and try again tomorrow.

*The office is closed for the weekend in order to observe either a religious holiday or Sunday worship. Please pray again on Monday after 9.30 a.m.

*If you require emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact one of your local clergy.

*Thank you for calling.”